being a great believer of Byron Katie, i follow most of her social networks so i get to be re-minded everyday to do her famous 'the work'. today i came into her newsletter site and read about this great stuff on parenting:
The best way, the only effective way, is to serve as an example and not to impose your will. I used to try to make my children moral by telling them what they should do, what they shouldn’t do, what they should like, what they shouldn’t like.
In my confusion, I was trying to be a good mother, and I thought that this was the way to make them good people. When they didn’t do what I wanted, I would shame or punish them, believing that it was for their own good. So in reality what I taught them was to break my laws and be very careful not to get caught. I taught them that the way to have peace in our home was to sneak and lie. Many of the things I was teaching them not to do I had done myself and hadn’t admitted to them, and some of the things I was still doing even as they watched. I expected them not to do these things simply because I said so. It didn’t work. It was a recipe for confusion.
I lost my children twenty [now 27] years ago. I came to see that they were never mine to begin with. That was an extreme loss: they truly died to me. I discovered that who I thought they were had never existed at all. And my experience of them now is more intimate than I can describe.
Today, when my children ask me what they should do, I say, “I don’t know, honey.” Or, “Here’s what I did in a similar situation, and it worked for me. And you can always know that I’m here to listen and that I’m always going to love you, whatever decision you make. You’ll know what to do. And also, sweetheart, you can’t do it wrong. I promise you that.” I finally learned to tell my children the truth.
It’s painful to think you know what’s best for your children. It’s hopeless. When you think that you need to protect them, you’re teaching anxiety and dependence. But when you question your mind and learn how not to be mentally in your children’s business, finally there’s an example in the house: someone who knows how to live a happy life. They notice that you have your act together and that you’re happy, so they start to follow. You have taught them everything they know about anxiety and dependence, and now they begin to learn something else, something about what freedom looks like. That’s what happened with my children. They just don’t see a lot of problems anymore, because in the presence of someone who doesn’t have a problem, they can’t hold on to one.
If your happiness depends on your children being happy, that makes them your hostages. I think I’ll just skip them, and be happy from here. That’s a lot saner. It’s called unconditional love.
Why would I give my children advice when I can’t possibly know what’s best for them? If what they do brings them happiness, that’s what I want; if it brings them unhappiness, that’s what I want, because they learn from that what I could never teach them. I celebrate the way of it, and they trust that, and I trust it.
beautiful way of looking at things. if one day, i decide i would like to be a mother, i hope i can live this out to my own children and just let them be and be there for them no matter what. freedom is something to be taught as early as so that they grow up freeing others instead of imprisoning them. be free. be love.
coming out from my undas break. ü
betrulyrich
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